Entry 10 - I am so much better than you

Hello,

Balloon speaking! 

I have been shoving food down my throat, just so I won't have to feel anything. Trying very hard to numb myself . I am trying to not feel this constant fatigue and pain. 

Some days, I just want to lay in my bed and not move. I just want to make everything stop. Things are moving way too fast and I can't catch up. 

Some days, I just wake up with this hate. This anger at the entire world! I just want to pick a fight. Just so I can scream, kick, punch and yell!  These days, I walk around and hating almost every single person that I see. 

"Look at that skinny bitch. Well fuck you and your good looks"

"Oh look at you being all happy... Well I hate you!!!!" 

" ohh I bet you love to wear a mini skirt! Well you look like a slut! Some of us, can't wear that stuff."

"Look at that skinny pretty chick. I bet she thinks she is better than everyone. I bet she is looking at me thinking 'omg look at that fatty'. Go fuck yourself"

Yup. I am just glad I don't speak my mind all the time. I don't know why these thoughts go through my mind. It's not like I am consciously hating on these poor people. It's so automatic. I see people, and I hate them because I think they have it easy. 

I constantly think... God, If only I was pretty and skinny. If only... Then everything would be alright. 

But the worst thing (or maybe the reason for hating everyone else) is that there is a voice inside my head that keeps repeating "I am better than you". I hate myself more than anyone else. 

I don't know how I got this bad. I don't know. It all happened so quickly. I got sick. I got stretch marks. I got fat. And now I hate myself. 

Maybe it will pass. Maybe things will change. 

Maybe I'll get better. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to work out and feel happy w myself. 

Maybe I'll stop hating everything. 

But for now... I got to live with:

" I am better than you"

"I am better than you"

" I am better than you"

"I AM better than YOU" 

Entry 9 - my "noxious" life

Past few days have been ok.

Things are actually going better than expected. However, I am so stressed. 

My head is filled with "what if.." statements. 

What if I don't get into grad school?

What if I don't do well on my GRE?

What if I don't get any where in life?

What if everyone thinks I am stupid? 

What if I am stupid?

What if I never get any where?

What if I don't get better?

What if I'll always hate my life?

What if this is it? 

What if..

What if..

Sadly, these statements just make me more stressed. Stress makes me more sick. Being sick makes me want to be in bed. Being in bed means I won't do work. Not doing work means more what if statements and more stress. I love this vicious cycle. 

I love that I know this cycle but still can't do anything about it. I can't get out. I am trying so hard to numb all this pain that I end up being numb to everything. 

Past few weeks have been filled with physical chaos. I have constantly been nauseated. I constantly feel dizzy. I feel like I might just faint. 

Last night, I couldn't sleep cause of the pain. Finally at 4:00 am, I ended up asking simon to come massage my legs. But for some reason I started seeing black spots in my vision, followed by shortness of breath, and loss of balance. I went to the washroom and it got to a point that I couldn't get up from the toilet seat. So simon had to help me back to bed. I don't know if I fell sleep or if I just passed out. 

Everyone says take it easy. "You have to put your health first". Somehow I feel so disconnected from these people. It seems like they never went to school or applied to grad school. News flash: health is the last thing on your mind in these circumstances. 

I am fighting and competing with people who are able to do so much more than me. They are able to sleep. They have control over their life. Me: well, I'm a different story. I'm constantly nauseated. 

On a positive note, the nausea is making me eat less. I guess that's good. Maybe I can take a break from eating my emotions? 

Oh there it is. The fast heartbeat. The bitterness in my mouth. The sensitivity to smells and light. The little black spots. The shortness of breath. 

Maybe I'll pass out again tonight.

Entry 8- the cure

When I officially received me diagnosis for fibromyalgia, I was extremely dissapointed. The rhomotologist told me that the only cure I'll find will be aerobic exercises. so what you are saying is that in order to be in less pain, I need to put my self through more pain? I was bummed out, I was angry and I was terrified. 

The past few weeks I've been giving it a try. It is painful and some nights the pain is unbearable. The funny thing is that I began to notice that what motivates me is not that eventually I'll be painfree but it is rather the idea of losing weight and the end to my disastrous self hatered. 

These days, I only look forward to the day where I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I see. While I notice that my obsession with weight is unhealthy and at times (when I decide starving myself or over exercising is a good idea) even dangerous, it honestly is the only thing that motivates me. Ironically, At this point anything that motivates me to a physically healthier life style sounds good. I guess my psychological well being needs to be put on hold. 

In addition to exercise, I have been trying to do some meditation. I don't know how I feel about it. To be fair, I haven't stuck with the meditation routine to understand it's long term effects. Again, it's hard to find the motivation when all I want to do is sleep in my comfortable bed. 

 

So maybe the exercise will start to have an effect. Maybe meditation will calm me down. Maybe life will get easier. Maybe I'll lose weight. 

However, the main question or better yet, the main purpose is whether I'll have control over my life again. Nothing is worse than feeling hopeless. Feeling like the world is spinning and you can't do anything about it except get nauseated. 

Entry 7- few wise words

"PAIN has an element of blank;

It cannot recollect

When it began, or if there were

A day when it was not.

  

It has no future but itself,        

Its infinite realms contain

Its past, enlightened to perceive

New periods of pain." 

- Emily Dickinson 

Entry 6 - My Luck ...

My body: ohhhhhh i see! you are all better from the surgery and you dont have a fibro flare right now. I see that you've even started working out!

Me: ohhhh yes!!!! life is sooo good! i love the sun! the world! the beautiful flowers! 

My body: thats great....

*wrist starts hurting so badly. i feel like somebody stuck a nail into my bones*

Me: DEAR BODY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!

My body: IT IS TIME TO REMIND YOU THAT I AM THE BOSS! and your suffering shall not end! 

Me: I hate everything.... 

p.s. My eyes are not that big. I just included that effect as an artistic bonus :P 

Entry 5 - Done & Drained

School is over.
I finished my last year. I finished... even when my doctors, myself and my family doubted that i could.
I survived.
but ...

It just feels like this whole year i was in the middle of a disaster and now that its over.. i have to deal with the aftermath.

Lately, its hard to care. It is hard to get up and shower. It is hard to live.
I want to do everything in my power to avoid my emotional crap.
I don't want to deal with how much i hate myself.
I don't want to deal with the fact that i've gained more than 20 pounds in the past year.
I don't want to deal with the fact that no matter how hard i try, i cant seem to lose weight
I don't want to deal with the fact that my clothes don't fit me anymore..
I don't want to deal with the fact that when i think of anorexic girls, i get jealous.
I am so jealous.

I look at myself in the mirror and all i can do is find errors.
The first thing that pops out, is my fat belly. Just bulging out... yuck
Then i see my "beautiful" stretch marks that go down to the bottom of my feet...
Then i get depress and hope that i can just find something beautiful on my face..  but nothing...
All i see is that my face has gotten fat too... look at that double chin..
look at that yucky face.. with those pimples... yuck..
look at that hairy face... jesus you have more hair than a monkey.

This is how every morning starts. I should know how to deal with this but i don't.


It is so easy for people to forget what you are dealing with, specially when its emotional or chronic.
I got both. Kinda screwed

Entry 4 - Mordab

Sometimes, its best to let the music/ poetry speak for you. 

mordab - Googoosh

in a naked field
under a deserted sun
me, an old puddle
stuck in the hands of the ground
i am that old puddle
separated from the whole world
the heat of the sun on my body
chained to the dusty ground

i am the one who wanted to become the ocean one day
i wanted to become the biggest ocean in the world
i had hopes to go get to the ocean
burn the night to get to tomorrow

at first being thirsty
under the old sky
but from my bad luck
my way fell in the desert
my eye, my eye was looking over their
behind that tall mountain
but from the hands of destiny
brought me bad luck on the way

i fell into a hole
the dirt prisoned me
the sky didn't rain
the sky was conserving
now i am a puddle
in pain of evaporating
one way i go in the ground
the other way to the sky

the sun from up their
the ground from down here
they make me evaporate
my life became like this
they took me with my eyes
i am dying here
my destiny is this
i am suck on the ground

nothing is left of me
i am only couple drops of water
the thirsty dirt is taking the drops away
i will get end up dry tomorrow when the sun comes
it will make me dry and take me to the sky

Taken from http://lyricstranslate.com/en/googoosh-mordab-lyrics.html#ixzz2w1MaqS4C

So here is the song's link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty47CWg_3Kk

Entry 3- losing my mind

As an honours student in UBC losing your mind and extreme stress is a normal part of your life.

Unfortunately, it does leave any space for sickness. Currently, I have my chronic pain, my menstrual cramps, runny nose and a sore throat. It is all sun shine up in my house!

To make matters worse, it was snowing today... :( I love the snow.. But my condition makes it really hard to enjoy this cold weather because it makes my body go into a crazyyyyyy roller coaster ride of pain, inflammation and more pain.

The thing that i hate more than everything though, is not having control. I hate that my sickness makes me lose control of life. I hate that it makes it hard to catch up on school or to do well on exams. Every time I make a plan, my body decides to be unpredictable. Sometimes it's takes me hours and hours to do a reading that takes a normal person just 10 minutes. 

It's not very surprising though because cognition and mobility are very much related. For example, have you ever walked into a tree ( or any other item) because you were distracted by your phone? I have. That is because walking or movement requires cognitive effort. So when you tax your cognition by trying to find the damn restaurant on google maps using your iPhone, your mobility suffers. Although this doesn't really explain much regarding my situation which is the exact oposite. My mobility issues and cognitive decline happened around the same time. But I wouldn't be surprised if there was a relationship between the two. I doubt anyone has actually looked at fibromyalgia and what is known as the fibro fog ( basically being forgetfull and etc). 

Obviously, my cognitive decline could be a result of 100 pain killers that I am on or the lack of sleep because of my constant pain or any other third variable. But I don't know, there is something about movement or exercise that seems essential to me. Now doesn't that suck!

I've noticed my walking has been really effected in the past few months. I am more and more doing my penguin walk rather than my usual confident steps ;). At least penguins are cute, right? So that makes me cute.  My logic is flawless! :P

Yup, lame jokes are how you survive these really shitty days. 

Entry 2- days in between

I only dropped my drinks twice today. Some days it's phone, other days it's keys but today it was my hot cup of tea and later my yummy cup of French vanilla cap. But my fingers are no longer crazy swollen so I could atleast throw my fist in the air and swear at the almighty God or whoever is in charge.

I only forgot a few common words such as fireplace today. I only had to re-read few pages on my reading assignments. I only had to drag myself out of the bed once and I managed to stay out of bed. 

I only hated my body 10 times today. I only looked like a pregnant lady 3 times today ( I got fat and sometimes with my back pain I end up walking with my hands on my waist. I totally look pregnant). Today, I only stared at my stretch marks for 10 minutes. Thou I spent 10 more minutes investigating my body for new stretch mark. But hey, atleast I managed to work out. Even if it was for 5 minute and made me feel like i just did the grouse grind.

I was only irritated for 8 hours out of my 12 hour day. I only resented any one who can skate or have fun for a total of 45 minutes 

Over all, today was a good day. As good as it gets.

I actually managed to stay out of bed, Stay adamant on finishing my readings and work out.

Today was a good day.

Entry 1- Introduction

Most of you are probably wondering what the heck is a Lazy Chronic Pain Condition?

Perhaps I should explain.

A year ago from now, my 20 year old body failed me. It was a beginning of a challenging life that I didn't foresee. It began as swollen painful, fingers and forearms. Which was labelled as Repetitive Strain Injury. I guess as a third year student it wasn't such a surprise that my repetitive nota taking and essay writing had finally caused my body to break down. But sadly it didn't end there.

By summer, not only were my arms not better but I slowly lost every other part of my body to chronic pain. First, my legs were effected, then my back and not long, I spent everyday feeling as if someone had beaten me up with a baseball bat. 

No one could tell me why. After many doctors, specialists and lab tests, I had a doctor diagnose me with deconditioning. He claims that since I used to be athletic and was forced to stop working out because of my condition, that my body was having a reaction and behaving in the same way as someone with fibromyalgia. My only treatment is to do cardio workout everyday and I will be allllll better! 

4 months has passsed with me working out everyday with zero results but unfortunately, I am still stuck with the deconditioning diagnoses, hence the Lazy chronic pain disorder. 

I have lost hope in the medical community, pain killer, pharmological companies and everything that's good in the world. 

So here I am. Just writing away my sorrows.

And if anyone passes by, I hope that I can make them understand and become more sensitive to those  with chronic pain. 

Additionally, I grew up as a blogger. I started blogging when I was only 9 years old. So i guess it's not surprising that when shit hit the fan, I chose to run towards my old habits.