Entry 9 - my "noxious" life

Past few days have been ok.

Things are actually going better than expected. However, I am so stressed. 

My head is filled with "what if.." statements. 

What if I don't get into grad school?

What if I don't do well on my GRE?

What if I don't get any where in life?

What if everyone thinks I am stupid? 

What if I am stupid?

What if I never get any where?

What if I don't get better?

What if I'll always hate my life?

What if this is it? 

What if..

What if..

Sadly, these statements just make me more stressed. Stress makes me more sick. Being sick makes me want to be in bed. Being in bed means I won't do work. Not doing work means more what if statements and more stress. I love this vicious cycle. 

I love that I know this cycle but still can't do anything about it. I can't get out. I am trying so hard to numb all this pain that I end up being numb to everything. 

Past few weeks have been filled with physical chaos. I have constantly been nauseated. I constantly feel dizzy. I feel like I might just faint. 

Last night, I couldn't sleep cause of the pain. Finally at 4:00 am, I ended up asking simon to come massage my legs. But for some reason I started seeing black spots in my vision, followed by shortness of breath, and loss of balance. I went to the washroom and it got to a point that I couldn't get up from the toilet seat. So simon had to help me back to bed. I don't know if I fell sleep or if I just passed out. 

Everyone says take it easy. "You have to put your health first". Somehow I feel so disconnected from these people. It seems like they never went to school or applied to grad school. News flash: health is the last thing on your mind in these circumstances. 

I am fighting and competing with people who are able to do so much more than me. They are able to sleep. They have control over their life. Me: well, I'm a different story. I'm constantly nauseated. 

On a positive note, the nausea is making me eat less. I guess that's good. Maybe I can take a break from eating my emotions? 

Oh there it is. The fast heartbeat. The bitterness in my mouth. The sensitivity to smells and light. The little black spots. The shortness of breath. 

Maybe I'll pass out again tonight.