Balloon speaking!
I have been shoving food down my throat, just so I won't have to feel anything. Trying very hard to numb myself . I am trying to not feel this constant fatigue and pain.
Some days, I just want to lay in my bed and not move. I just want to make everything stop. Things are moving way too fast and I can't catch up.
Some days, I just wake up with this hate. This anger at the entire world! I just want to pick a fight. Just so I can scream, kick, punch and yell! These days, I walk around and hating almost every single person that I see.
"Look at that skinny bitch. Well fuck you and your good looks"
"Oh look at you being all happy... Well I hate you!!!!"
" ohh I bet you love to wear a mini skirt! Well you look like a slut! Some of us, can't wear that stuff."
"Look at that skinny pretty chick. I bet she thinks she is better than everyone. I bet she is looking at me thinking 'omg look at that fatty'. Go fuck yourself"
Yup. I am just glad I don't speak my mind all the time. I don't know why these thoughts go through my mind. It's not like I am consciously hating on these poor people. It's so automatic. I see people, and I hate them because I think they have it easy.
I constantly think... God, If only I was pretty and skinny. If only... Then everything would be alright.
But the worst thing (or maybe the reason for hating everyone else) is that there is a voice inside my head that keeps repeating "I am better than you". I hate myself more than anyone else.
I don't know how I got this bad. I don't know. It all happened so quickly. I got sick. I got stretch marks. I got fat. And now I hate myself.
Maybe it will pass. Maybe things will change.
Maybe I'll get better. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to work out and feel happy w myself.
Maybe I'll stop hating everything.
But for now... I got to live with:
" I am better than you"
"I am better than you"
" I am better than you"
"I AM better than YOU"
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