Entry 5 - Done & Drained

School is over.
I finished my last year. I finished... even when my doctors, myself and my family doubted that i could.
I survived.
but ...

It just feels like this whole year i was in the middle of a disaster and now that its over.. i have to deal with the aftermath.

Lately, its hard to care. It is hard to get up and shower. It is hard to live.
I want to do everything in my power to avoid my emotional crap.
I don't want to deal with how much i hate myself.
I don't want to deal with the fact that i've gained more than 20 pounds in the past year.
I don't want to deal with the fact that no matter how hard i try, i cant seem to lose weight
I don't want to deal with the fact that my clothes don't fit me anymore..
I don't want to deal with the fact that when i think of anorexic girls, i get jealous.
I am so jealous.

I look at myself in the mirror and all i can do is find errors.
The first thing that pops out, is my fat belly. Just bulging out... yuck
Then i see my "beautiful" stretch marks that go down to the bottom of my feet...
Then i get depress and hope that i can just find something beautiful on my face..  but nothing...
All i see is that my face has gotten fat too... look at that double chin..
look at that yucky face.. with those pimples... yuck..
look at that hairy face... jesus you have more hair than a monkey.

This is how every morning starts. I should know how to deal with this but i don't.


It is so easy for people to forget what you are dealing with, specially when its emotional or chronic.
I got both. Kinda screwed