Entry 11:

Happy New Year.

Entry 10 - I am so much better than you

Hello,

Balloon speaking! 

I have been shoving food down my throat, just so I won't have to feel anything. Trying very hard to numb myself . I am trying to not feel this constant fatigue and pain. 

Some days, I just want to lay in my bed and not move. I just want to make everything stop. Things are moving way too fast and I can't catch up. 

Some days, I just wake up with this hate. This anger at the entire world! I just want to pick a fight. Just so I can scream, kick, punch and yell!  These days, I walk around and hating almost every single person that I see. 

"Look at that skinny bitch. Well fuck you and your good looks"

"Oh look at you being all happy... Well I hate you!!!!" 

" ohh I bet you love to wear a mini skirt! Well you look like a slut! Some of us, can't wear that stuff."

"Look at that skinny pretty chick. I bet she thinks she is better than everyone. I bet she is looking at me thinking 'omg look at that fatty'. Go fuck yourself"

Yup. I am just glad I don't speak my mind all the time. I don't know why these thoughts go through my mind. It's not like I am consciously hating on these poor people. It's so automatic. I see people, and I hate them because I think they have it easy. 

I constantly think... God, If only I was pretty and skinny. If only... Then everything would be alright. 

But the worst thing (or maybe the reason for hating everyone else) is that there is a voice inside my head that keeps repeating "I am better than you". I hate myself more than anyone else. 

I don't know how I got this bad. I don't know. It all happened so quickly. I got sick. I got stretch marks. I got fat. And now I hate myself. 

Maybe it will pass. Maybe things will change. 

Maybe I'll get better. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to work out and feel happy w myself. 

Maybe I'll stop hating everything. 

But for now... I got to live with:

" I am better than you"

"I am better than you"

" I am better than you"

"I AM better than YOU" 

Entry 9 - my "noxious" life

Past few days have been ok.

Things are actually going better than expected. However, I am so stressed. 

My head is filled with "what if.." statements. 

What if I don't get into grad school?

What if I don't do well on my GRE?

What if I don't get any where in life?

What if everyone thinks I am stupid? 

What if I am stupid?

What if I never get any where?

What if I don't get better?

What if I'll always hate my life?

What if this is it? 

What if..

What if..

Sadly, these statements just make me more stressed. Stress makes me more sick. Being sick makes me want to be in bed. Being in bed means I won't do work. Not doing work means more what if statements and more stress. I love this vicious cycle. 

I love that I know this cycle but still can't do anything about it. I can't get out. I am trying so hard to numb all this pain that I end up being numb to everything. 

Past few weeks have been filled with physical chaos. I have constantly been nauseated. I constantly feel dizzy. I feel like I might just faint. 

Last night, I couldn't sleep cause of the pain. Finally at 4:00 am, I ended up asking simon to come massage my legs. But for some reason I started seeing black spots in my vision, followed by shortness of breath, and loss of balance. I went to the washroom and it got to a point that I couldn't get up from the toilet seat. So simon had to help me back to bed. I don't know if I fell sleep or if I just passed out. 

Everyone says take it easy. "You have to put your health first". Somehow I feel so disconnected from these people. It seems like they never went to school or applied to grad school. News flash: health is the last thing on your mind in these circumstances. 

I am fighting and competing with people who are able to do so much more than me. They are able to sleep. They have control over their life. Me: well, I'm a different story. I'm constantly nauseated. 

On a positive note, the nausea is making me eat less. I guess that's good. Maybe I can take a break from eating my emotions? 

Oh there it is. The fast heartbeat. The bitterness in my mouth. The sensitivity to smells and light. The little black spots. The shortness of breath. 

Maybe I'll pass out again tonight.

Entry 8- the cure

When I officially received me diagnosis for fibromyalgia, I was extremely dissapointed. The rhomotologist told me that the only cure I'll find will be aerobic exercises. so what you are saying is that in order to be in less pain, I need to put my self through more pain? I was bummed out, I was angry and I was terrified. 

The past few weeks I've been giving it a try. It is painful and some nights the pain is unbearable. The funny thing is that I began to notice that what motivates me is not that eventually I'll be painfree but it is rather the idea of losing weight and the end to my disastrous self hatered. 

These days, I only look forward to the day where I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I see. While I notice that my obsession with weight is unhealthy and at times (when I decide starving myself or over exercising is a good idea) even dangerous, it honestly is the only thing that motivates me. Ironically, At this point anything that motivates me to a physically healthier life style sounds good. I guess my psychological well being needs to be put on hold. 

In addition to exercise, I have been trying to do some meditation. I don't know how I feel about it. To be fair, I haven't stuck with the meditation routine to understand it's long term effects. Again, it's hard to find the motivation when all I want to do is sleep in my comfortable bed. 

 

So maybe the exercise will start to have an effect. Maybe meditation will calm me down. Maybe life will get easier. Maybe I'll lose weight. 

However, the main question or better yet, the main purpose is whether I'll have control over my life again. Nothing is worse than feeling hopeless. Feeling like the world is spinning and you can't do anything about it except get nauseated. 

Entry 7- few wise words

"PAIN has an element of blank;

It cannot recollect

When it began, or if there were

A day when it was not.

  

It has no future but itself,        

Its infinite realms contain

Its past, enlightened to perceive

New periods of pain." 

- Emily Dickinson 

Entry 6 - My Luck ...

My body: ohhhhhh i see! you are all better from the surgery and you dont have a fibro flare right now. I see that you've even started working out!

Me: ohhhh yes!!!! life is sooo good! i love the sun! the world! the beautiful flowers! 

My body: thats great....

*wrist starts hurting so badly. i feel like somebody stuck a nail into my bones*

Me: DEAR BODY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!

My body: IT IS TIME TO REMIND YOU THAT I AM THE BOSS! and your suffering shall not end! 

Me: I hate everything.... 

p.s. My eyes are not that big. I just included that effect as an artistic bonus :P 

Entry 5 - Done & Drained

School is over.
I finished my last year. I finished... even when my doctors, myself and my family doubted that i could.
I survived.
but ...

It just feels like this whole year i was in the middle of a disaster and now that its over.. i have to deal with the aftermath.

Lately, its hard to care. It is hard to get up and shower. It is hard to live.
I want to do everything in my power to avoid my emotional crap.
I don't want to deal with how much i hate myself.
I don't want to deal with the fact that i've gained more than 20 pounds in the past year.
I don't want to deal with the fact that no matter how hard i try, i cant seem to lose weight
I don't want to deal with the fact that my clothes don't fit me anymore..
I don't want to deal with the fact that when i think of anorexic girls, i get jealous.
I am so jealous.

I look at myself in the mirror and all i can do is find errors.
The first thing that pops out, is my fat belly. Just bulging out... yuck
Then i see my "beautiful" stretch marks that go down to the bottom of my feet...
Then i get depress and hope that i can just find something beautiful on my face..  but nothing...
All i see is that my face has gotten fat too... look at that double chin..
look at that yucky face.. with those pimples... yuck..
look at that hairy face... jesus you have more hair than a monkey.

This is how every morning starts. I should know how to deal with this but i don't.


It is so easy for people to forget what you are dealing with, specially when its emotional or chronic.
I got both. Kinda screwed