Entry 10 - I am so much better than you

Hello,

Balloon speaking! 

I have been shoving food down my throat, just so I won't have to feel anything. Trying very hard to numb myself . I am trying to not feel this constant fatigue and pain. 

Some days, I just want to lay in my bed and not move. I just want to make everything stop. Things are moving way too fast and I can't catch up. 

Some days, I just wake up with this hate. This anger at the entire world! I just want to pick a fight. Just so I can scream, kick, punch and yell!  These days, I walk around and hating almost every single person that I see. 

"Look at that skinny bitch. Well fuck you and your good looks"

"Oh look at you being all happy... Well I hate you!!!!" 

" ohh I bet you love to wear a mini skirt! Well you look like a slut! Some of us, can't wear that stuff."

"Look at that skinny pretty chick. I bet she thinks she is better than everyone. I bet she is looking at me thinking 'omg look at that fatty'. Go fuck yourself"

Yup. I am just glad I don't speak my mind all the time. I don't know why these thoughts go through my mind. It's not like I am consciously hating on these poor people. It's so automatic. I see people, and I hate them because I think they have it easy. 

I constantly think... God, If only I was pretty and skinny. If only... Then everything would be alright. 

But the worst thing (or maybe the reason for hating everyone else) is that there is a voice inside my head that keeps repeating "I am better than you". I hate myself more than anyone else. 

I don't know how I got this bad. I don't know. It all happened so quickly. I got sick. I got stretch marks. I got fat. And now I hate myself. 

Maybe it will pass. Maybe things will change. 

Maybe I'll get better. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to work out and feel happy w myself. 

Maybe I'll stop hating everything. 

But for now... I got to live with:

" I am better than you"

"I am better than you"

" I am better than you"

"I AM better than YOU" 

Entry 9 - my "noxious" life

Past few days have been ok.

Things are actually going better than expected. However, I am so stressed. 

My head is filled with "what if.." statements. 

What if I don't get into grad school?

What if I don't do well on my GRE?

What if I don't get any where in life?

What if everyone thinks I am stupid? 

What if I am stupid?

What if I never get any where?

What if I don't get better?

What if I'll always hate my life?

What if this is it? 

What if..

What if..

Sadly, these statements just make me more stressed. Stress makes me more sick. Being sick makes me want to be in bed. Being in bed means I won't do work. Not doing work means more what if statements and more stress. I love this vicious cycle. 

I love that I know this cycle but still can't do anything about it. I can't get out. I am trying so hard to numb all this pain that I end up being numb to everything. 

Past few weeks have been filled with physical chaos. I have constantly been nauseated. I constantly feel dizzy. I feel like I might just faint. 

Last night, I couldn't sleep cause of the pain. Finally at 4:00 am, I ended up asking simon to come massage my legs. But for some reason I started seeing black spots in my vision, followed by shortness of breath, and loss of balance. I went to the washroom and it got to a point that I couldn't get up from the toilet seat. So simon had to help me back to bed. I don't know if I fell sleep or if I just passed out. 

Everyone says take it easy. "You have to put your health first". Somehow I feel so disconnected from these people. It seems like they never went to school or applied to grad school. News flash: health is the last thing on your mind in these circumstances. 

I am fighting and competing with people who are able to do so much more than me. They are able to sleep. They have control over their life. Me: well, I'm a different story. I'm constantly nauseated. 

On a positive note, the nausea is making me eat less. I guess that's good. Maybe I can take a break from eating my emotions? 

Oh there it is. The fast heartbeat. The bitterness in my mouth. The sensitivity to smells and light. The little black spots. The shortness of breath. 

Maybe I'll pass out again tonight.