The past few weeks I've been giving it a try. It is painful and some nights the pain is unbearable. The funny thing is that I began to notice that what motivates me is not that eventually I'll be painfree but it is rather the idea of losing weight and the end to my disastrous self hatered.
These days, I only look forward to the day where I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I see. While I notice that my obsession with weight is unhealthy and at times (when I decide starving myself or over exercising is a good idea) even dangerous, it honestly is the only thing that motivates me. Ironically, At this point anything that motivates me to a physically healthier life style sounds good. I guess my psychological well being needs to be put on hold.
In addition to exercise, I have been trying to do some meditation. I don't know how I feel about it. To be fair, I haven't stuck with the meditation routine to understand it's long term effects. Again, it's hard to find the motivation when all I want to do is sleep in my comfortable bed.
So maybe the exercise will start to have an effect. Maybe meditation will calm me down. Maybe life will get easier. Maybe I'll lose weight.
However, the main question or better yet, the main purpose is whether I'll have control over my life again. Nothing is worse than feeling hopeless. Feeling like the world is spinning and you can't do anything about it except get nauseated.
